ŞAHİN KALEM










Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord .
He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.
St Peter: No worries. You've got it.
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.
Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?
St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version
Silly Jokes
* A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
* An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a flat, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
* Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf."
* Have you heard about the new Barbie Doll? It's called the "Barbie Divorce Doll" and it comes with all of Ken's stuff!
* Two peanuts were walking through Hyde Park. One was assaulted.
* Two guys walked into a bar, but the third one ducked.
* Two blondes were walking in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "Oh look, deer tracks!" The second blonde then said, "No dummy, they're wolf tracks." Five minutes later a train hit them.
* A married couple is in bed sleeping and someone knocks on the front door. So the husband gets up to check it out. It's some drunken guy, he asks the hubby for a push. So the husband goes in and talks it over with his wife. He doesn't want to help but she reminds him of the time when he was drunk and needed help. The man gets dressed and exits the house, ready to help the drunk. He looks around and finds the man sitting on their porch swing.
The Perfect Day - For Her

8.15: Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30: Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45: Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15: Soothing hot bath with frangipanibath oil.
10.00: Light work-out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.
10.30: Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00: Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45: Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg.
1.00: Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00: Nap.
4.00: 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist - 'From Secret Admirer'.
4.15: Light work-out at club, followed by massage by strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30: Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
7.30: Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00: Hot shower, alone.
10.45: Carried to bed - freshly-ironed, crisp, new, white linen sheets.
11.00: Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15: Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

The Perfect Day - For Him
6.00: Alarm.
6.15: Blow-job.
6.30: Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
7.00: Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench.
7.30: Limo arrives.
7.45: Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
9.15: Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30: Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club - blow-job en-route.
9.45: Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45: Lunch - pie, chips and gravy and 5 pints of lager.
12.15: Blow-job.
12.30: Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15: Limo back to the airport - several whiskeys.
2.30: Fly to Monte Carlo.
3.30: Late afternoon fishing excursion with all nude female crew.
4.30: Land world-record Marlin.
5.00: Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked Elle McPherson.
5.45: Nap.
6.45: Shit, shower and shave.
7.00: Watch news, marijuana and hard-core porn legalised.
7.30: Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream served on a pair of tits.
9.00: Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall-sized TV while watching England beat Germany 11-0 in World Cup final.
11.00: Sex with 3 women - all with lesbian tendencies.
11.30: Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing lager.
12.15: Nightcap blow-job.
12.30: In bed alone.
12.35: Let out 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
A sixty year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you might live forever; you have the body of a thirty-five year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The man responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he, and is he very active?"
The man responded, "Well, he's eighty-two years old, and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The man responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished! You mean to tell me that you're sixty years old, and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The man responded, "He goes skiing at least once a year and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, but my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why the heck would your grandfather want to get married?"
The man responded, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Doctor Jokes
Patient:It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor:Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient:I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
"My doctor told me to take something for my cold."
"What did you take"
"His Coat!"
Wife:Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor:Don't worry i can cure him.
Wife:I don't want him cured i want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
Bob to X-ray technician after swolling some money:"Do you see any change in me?"
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do? Doctor:Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
Did you hear about the siamese twins? Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.